You are a crime boss. You play the part of a respectable businessman in your tuxedo suit, crisp white shirt bib and black bow tie. Flash your shiny cufflinks and expensive watch, and finish the look with a red rose buttonhole and a fat cigar.
As a young man you respect the law immensely and trained as a lawyer. But you soon realized there were crooks on both sides and decided it was easier to be upfront about it. You never killed your way up the ranks - stay alive long enough and you become the head of the family by default. You do know your way around contracts though, and those early legal days have helped you stitch up all types of people to your advantage.
I’m Don Cannelloni. Mess with me and you’ll get stuffed and rolled. I ain’t been in the kitchen all night, and none of you saw me there, understood? That Karl Ickbread was a piece o’work with his garlic this and garlic that. Only topping you could get in his stupid restaurant. The world’s a better place without him, that’s for sure. Anyway, has anyone seen my diamond bladed pizza wheel? Some wise guy stole it outta my briefcase.
Ickbread owed you a lot of money and was messing with your business interests.
Karl made a lot of enemies. He needed protection. So I gave it, for a fee. Extortion is such an old fashioned word. We call it a Security Services Insurance Premium nowadays. That said, we protect the business, not the owner. Sorry, Karl - gotta read the small print!
We took 1% of the register. That’s the money, not the till roll like he was giving us the first few weeks. Karl hadn’t been keeping up with his premiums lately which was a problem. I guess it’s not a problem any more!
If you’re innocent, say:
That pizza wheel was a gift from my father. The very last thing he said to me before he died was, “Son, take this pizza wheel and guard it with your life, it’s worth a small fortune and benny the Fence says he’s got a buyer.” I can’t believe I lost it.
If you’re guilty, say:
That pizza wheel used to belong to my brother Giovanni. He was a chef at the Hotel Bambino but he died last year in an accident involving a chicken and a chainsaw- don’t ask. Ever since, I've kept that pizza wheel in my suit pocket, close to my heart. Ah Giovanni - he was a good fella.
I got business interests all over town but I love Bella like she was family. And that’s family with a capital F if you get what I mean. I may have got a few shares in the restaurant too or i may not, that’s up to her to disclose on the shareholder register that should be held at the registered office address. That’s what my lawyer said to say.
If you’re innocent, say:
I was disappointed in him when he refused to pay his Security Services Insurance Premium,, but we’d have made him change his mind eventually. What really got my goat was when he said he was going to rat this place out to food hygiene services. They’d have closed in down in a heartbeat!
If you’re guilty, say:
Whattaya trying to say? Me and Ickbread go way back, we played golf together, went on cruises. He was like a brother to me. Sure, he’d stopped paying me, and threatened to rat this place out to the food hygiene services to shut it down, but what do I care?
If you’re innocent, say:
I was singing an old song at the piano here with some of your guys, why you asking? Sing with me! “When the moon hits your eye like a bat-swinging guy, Bella Morte!” Ah, you guys are rubbish (at singing).
If you’re guilty, say:
If you must know, I looked everywhere, including the pantry, but I didn't see nothing. I did find a couple of rats playing craps behind the cooker… Ever seen a rat roll a dice? Those fellas are big. But no pizza wheel.
If you’re innocent, say:
I had reasons for wanting to whack the guy but i’ve got reasons for wanting to whack most of the people here. When you hit three reasons you get on the real list, and the real list is long - it’s not like the old days. Ickbread was way down it, a waste of time. Someone else here did it.
If you’re guilty, say:
What gave me away? Aww no. I said I wasn't in the pantry, then I said I was, didn't I? Ah well, it don’t matter now. Ickbread had some photos he was threatening to show the health agency - I dunno what they were, a rat eatin’ a block of cheese on the work surface or something - but he threatened to show them unless I stopped charging him protection money. I didn’t need the money, but I didn't want to see any harm come to Bella and the restaurant. When I went to relieve myself between courses I heard a kerfuffle. That’s right, a kerfuffle. So I took a pee, sorry, a peek, and there was Ickbread, planting rat poison in the pantry alongside all the food stuff and taking another picture on his mobile. I saw red, amber, green - a whole load o’colours, so I ran inside and grabbed the diamond bladed pizza wheel out of my breast pocket - yeah, I lied about the briefcase. Sliced him up pretty good. Didn’t expect to kill him but that wheel cuts deeper than expected. My bad. Anyway, one of my henchmen is gonna take the fall for this, so can we just get on and finish dinner?